In A Much Better Place Now

Thanks to OSAP finally coming in, and a whole lotta change since last we spoke. By we, I mean myself to myself about myself. GOD. This is a very self-indulgent process, this whole thing, but dammit, I think it's good for ya, really. Near-constant self-reflection is all a post-modern girl can do to better herself. Seriously. Can't travel abroad because that tourist behaviour is imperialist in overtones and violent in economic implication. Can't read the canon, because we've challenged the hell out of the value of those texts in speaking to the human experience. Can't learn another language, because language is the expression of experience, and it's not your root, etc. There are all these "problematizations" that really feel like they cut your legs out from underneath you, really. But at the same time, this has been the trajectory of the lifestyle of the upper middle class - ever increasingly fewer and fewer acceptable activities. So I jog and listen to music and reflect upon myself. The only experience I am allowed to speak for is my own, so here it goes.
I am happy in the calm, zen-like way that I've searched for most of my life. Something about being with her like we've always wanted to be together, having a bedroom that's just a bedroom, getting caught up on my workload and feeling connected to my friends and my community...all of these things that i've searched for most of my life and never found...i feel like i have them now and if i can just hold onto them without trying to hold onto them, you know? then it'll all be fine. To be honest, however, I still haven't stopped thinking about smoking in a casual way, as though I need that vice to avoid in order to keep me listing my motivations and counting my blessings. And there's a part of me, especially this weekend, that is sad to see her headed back to Scarborough for school and evaning. I felt like I barely saw her. But she's mine and I'm hers and that's all sorted out finally, and her home is here with me and that feels damn good. I wuv her so much, I only wish this whole thing could be easier on her, really. You know? Just less complex. But frankly, I think it's perfect for her, and the moment I start taking her stress on as my own in more than a merely empathetic way is the moment I start making her feel like crap and over-estimating my self-loathing and worthlessness. You know what I mean? Anyway. That's all for that. I am taking responsibility for myself and I am helping her by being strong and positive...and that is that. That's what she needs from me and it's what I need from me, and she's already giving me all that I need from her, so there. It's all good.
And that is just that. Peace