i'm at a friend's house with jess waite and dogs, and they are playing magic cards together while i float around the internet. perfect sunday behaviour as far as i can tell.
and all i'm really doing on the internet is reflecting upon all the little artworks i've accomplished. i'm going through albums on facebook and sorting out images... which... is fun for me. i feel confirmed in my ability to see wonder in things, just by looking at what i saw fit to capture, or in what i created. the internet here is dangerously slow, though, which is frustrating. but i'm gonna try and share a few of my favourites with this here blog.
the first is a sculpture i made at work, during training. his cheekbones were much more striking in real life. the second is one of the more mature of my snow sculptures i made this morning at the park, with max. the other one may have been a phallic addition to a pre-existing stone sculpture. the last one is a painting/mixed media thing i made on acetate to block out my window without blocking out all the light.
anyway, i'm feeling relatively positive, despite needing to hock a few unused video games to buy cigarettes for me and roommate today. sigh. desperate times. HOWEVER, both roommate and a couple friends are collectively speaking honestly about trying to quit soon, which gives me hope. i feel like if we're all going through the misery together, we'll be fine. and i'll be able to get through it. which would be great. and make my life far more affordable and wholesome. and drastically improve my overall mood and well-being.there's become issues with this blog now. new issues. the politics of self-exposure have become murky here. this used to be a random thing that i posted out into the vague universe. none of my friends or family knew this thing existed. and now some people do. and i guess the frank honesty i have generally practiced here has become more... well, like i said, murky. i'd like to continue to use this place as a place for honest self-deprecation and -reflection... but i don't want anyone i'm close to to feel as though i'm more honest here than i am with them. it's just sometimes still easier to throw this out into space than to take up people's time with whining. at least if it's here, people can choose whether or not to engage at length with my own tiny personal issues. i guess it's a bit about social anxiety and guilt and wanting to appear strong at all times. which is horseshit. because anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that i'm made of tissue paper and feathers emotionally, and jell-o and pastry physically. tough is a myth i have of myself, and maybe maybe maybe it convinces the odd random passer-by, but it takes five minutes for my delicate underbelly to be exposed, even by the very nature of my performance of strength.
anyway... i digress. i'm just gonna try to stay honest somewhere anyway, and hope that i don't hurt anyone.
and if the person in question is reading this, despite claiming to not want to ever again... most times, i'm thinking of someone when i write these words. maybe i'm thinking of you. like right now. i'm thinking of you.
No comments:
Post a Comment