Yes.
Warts.
And because of this, I have to soak them in warm water for five minutes, snip at them with nail clippers, and put noxious chemicals on them. And because of that, I have to wear band-aide's on my fingers. And because of them, I cannot play guitar.
That's the story.
Morning glory.
As gross and inexplicable as it is.
Also gross and inexplicable is my appalling lack of employment. But I guess there's only so much sitting around and waiting for a job to fall into your hands will do. A couple interviews, a lot of waiting, and some dead ends.
My lazy ass is currently in debt. And my lazy ass doesn't even have a credit card. My lazy ass owes someone she LOVES money. Isn't that great?
But it doesn't end there. My lazy ass has also been a bit of an asshat lately - pushy, inconsiderate and selfish. So my lazy ass has no love to call her own currently. And my lazy ass has to deal with that fact.
Silliness aside, I'm in a bit of a bind.
The thing is, it would be easiest to leave. But it would also be easiest to stay.
The hardest thing would be to leave. But it would be just as hard to stay.
So if the easy thing isn't always the right thing to do, and if the hardest thing is often the right thing, where on earth does that leave me? And is it only my weakness that makes this question even come up? Is this uncertainty all my fault, or is somebody else uncertain here? Who's calling the shots?
The truth of the matter is that aside from losing a lot of weight and facing a lot of memories, there's not much that I can honestly say I'm proud of over the past year. I've picked fights, mistrusted honest people, shirked responsibility, shown my ugliest anger, lost myself to jealousy and sadness, procrastinated to the point of near-destruction...I haven't learned anything outside of the recreational, the stuff that's been presented to me on a silver platter, the easy-to-memorize stuff. I haven't been as loyal as I've been thinking I have - always being the first to leap to the demolition option, always keeping one bag packed, a back door open. I've been pushy and confused and selfish, while simultaneously neglecting myself and letting myself become another responsibility for someone I love.
In short, this has not been a good year for the gadfli. Oh, I can chalk it up to survival, to healing, to my age. Excuses pile up in my head at times like these - self-pitying diatribes that demand further attention, further care, further adoration and pity out of those around me. But as much as not a one of these excuses is untrue or unwarranted, that does not make my behaviour cool and groovy. And it does not make it any easier for me to face the reality of myself currently.
I have little to be proud of. That's the long and the short of it. When she doesn't look at me and think I'm pretty, I sure as hell don't, and that means I have NOTHING to be proud of. Because my physical and emotional health are all I've really worked on this past year, and the latter has not been consistent in any sense, so we can't count that, now can we?
The thing is, life is hard no matter which way you turn. But it's okay if you can close your eyes at the end of a day and count a few things in your mind that you're proud of.
Staying in this means a few things; It means I have to work hard, day in and day out. It means even if I do become a better, more responsible person, I'll be that better person with someone who has seen the very worst and weakest of me, and with someone who may never fully forgive me for that which she has seen. It means that I have to be okay with the fact that, no matter how hard I work, things may not work out here, so whatever I do better damn well be for me and by me, or else it's just artificial growth, and I'm wasting everybody's time. And it means that I have to be okay with that uncertainty.
Here's the thing - I want something to be proud of. Something I made for myself, and something that makes me a better person for others. I WANT to work hard, and I am sick and tired of the feeling of failure, and of disappointing others.
I love her. I wish things were certain, I wish I was all that she needed, and that she was all I needed. I wish I was a fuller person when she met me. But all this wishing is not doing, and it won't help either of us now. Whether she can accept this past year as a fluke of crappy, whether she can forgive all the many kinds of bad I've been, even that may not fix this. This may be as far as we come in terms of a relationship. But I know I want to be with her still. With her and all that comes with her. I know I want to be MORE in her life, not less, and if there's a way that myself being stronger and better can allow that, that's great, because that's what I was going to try and do anyway. If a better me is still not allowed in, still not good enough, or just still not what she was looking for, that's too bad. But it's not like both of us haven't learned a great deal.
In any case, I love her, and it's time I started making myself something loveable - because the fact that I can't even like myself right now is cause for concern.
I have to stop wishing and start building, stop waiting and start working, stop dreaming and start living.
That is all.
Good night.
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