And Here's The Biggest Thing

the thing is, i let her down HUGE with the scarborough thing. i told her, i argued with her, telling her, promising her that i was ready. and then i took it all away. but i didn't want to lean so heavy on her. i wanted to grow without depending on her that way. but that's not the point. the point is, i told her so many times how ready i was. and who knows? maybe by the time they're moving, i would be ready. does it matter now? it's not like i'm working through this for anyone but myself, but sometimes... sometimes it feels like... if i'm alive for a reason, and that reason isn't love, what's the reason? and if i had love, but lost it, because i'm messed up in this, which i'm doing to stay alive and to really live... where does the meaning of life fit into all of this? see. i was under the false impression that, really, when it comes right down to it, the beatles were right. and all you need really is love. reminds me of that line in the bible "and yay, though i have walked through the valley of the dead..." etc etc. because i have to dredge through all this shit before i can live. before i can earn the things that really matter.
it's all i want to just love and trust. and i still can't. i hate that i can't. why can't i? is wanting to just not enough? i don't understand.

i am lost.

all i know is, i'm sorry i let her down. if nothing else, i know she feels hurt by my inability, by my broken promises, and most of all by my determined mistrust.
i'm still and always sorry. i can't and won't forget this lesson. i just still hope maybe i can carry on learning in the same classroom, or at least...you know? i just want to be with her still, is all.