An Agonizing Reappraisal Of The Whole Scene

i am so many shades of wrong
i see it now and wish
more than ever
it hadn't taken me hurting her more to see it

she would show me all her heart
and i would show her mine
the capacity we both had
to love
was endless
and i felt it

and then

a moment would come when i felt small
she would tell me
strongly
she knew i was tall
she knew i could stand on my own two feet
she knew i had what it takes

i could be a full person
couldn't i?

i got scared
and lazy
i retreated to fear
i started thinking how easy it was
to be numb

and so i took away all the promises
all the realities and responsibilities
i turned it on her to be the only strong one

and she's right
i'm not ready
and i said as much, when i told her i couldn't go to scarborough. i knew if i went, i would hurt her, become dependant again - on her identity, on her strength, on her love.
that is the only thing i do not regret.
the only thing.
it was the only honest thing that said to her and to me "it's my responsibility to deal with this mess. it's mine and i know it - i'm a burden at best. but i have something to offer when this work is through. even with it, i have something - you know that i do"
but i hurt her with words, as she hurt me the same. but i did it first and it's my claim to fame.
i promised her so many promises. i gave her all the right words. but inside i was scared, small and irresponsible.
i see now.
it was me. i broke that trust that so many times we've rebuilt. i took everything back, all the understanding that one part of my brain has, and the other part ignores.

i have two parts
one part water
one part blood
in the cold of my memories
the water part froze
but the warmth of my heart tries to melt it each day
and the more of it melts, the more pain is in the way

i AM incomplete, but not the way that she is. she knows who she is, her priorities, her fears. she's only mildly searching for what she will be. and that search is harmless, and she keeps it about her. my search is fearful, and i put it on anyone but myself.

it's hard - when there's no place in yourself to go back to and look out from.
when everything's tainted by mistrust and anger.
my eyes see red and green and never real colours. only for moments can i see what is real.

what is real is:
she loved me fully.
time after time
i took it away.

i put her in the category of love = hate, like everything else in my life, like it's fate.
i need to be stronger all on my own - see love for what it is - until then, be alone.

but god do i want that warmth of her love
it got me so far
i have to do this for myself
i can't BELIEVE i'm not ready for this thing i was craving

but i was running.
just because i was running, doesn't mean i didn't stumble upon something i actually want.
just because i was running, doesn't mean that for so many moments, i stopped and turned and faced these things.
now, i'm tired of running. and she's tired of trying to keep up.
if only i hadn't hurt her so much.
maybe we could both slow down together. i could turn and face my things, and she could turn to the future and grow. and i would catch up with her later, when this was through. i thought. you know? i'd be here, and she'd be there, and i could work through this stuff, and stay in a place that was safe. and then, i could finish. and i could go to there, where she was. i could catch up and we could meet, having heard the stories of both of our growth. we could hear the stories all along and love, just love. not need. just love.
damn it i wish i was stronger. i wish this was over. i hate this i hate it, it's stolen so much. but i was there, driving the car of my own destruction. it was so much easier to distrust, so much easier to beg for pity instead of earning respect.

but, as on Warrior Angel's blog, the dalai lama says that relationships should be more about loving than needing. i let myself get dependant because it was easier. i wish i hadn't. i wish i had stayed strong, the way i was just beginning to be last year. i wish i could've loved her all the time, instead of only when i wanted to. the moment it became too hard, the moment she asked for stability, i became unstable. i see it now. i do.
god, i wish seeing it were enough.
i wish she could hold on. but i know i barely deserve that, and she doesn't need to wait.
i wish she wasn't moving. but i know that U of T is where she belongs, with people who can teach her what she needs to answer her questions. just like i need Trent, and i need this town, to answer my own.
i wish time would just slow for five minutes so i could think and feel all that i need to feel. but i know that i can do it, i can, really i can. it's just so fucking hard.

i love her so much.
i wish i could've shown that to her. but i know nothing of love and trust.

i'm sorry.

i'm so fucking sorry.

i love you.