1. gathering skills. which plants around here are edible? where do i dig to look for good root vegetables? how do i prepare them so i don't die? these seem like basic questions.
2. trapping/hunting/tracking skills. i mean it'd be grand if i knew how to build and maintain a longbow, let's be honest. and if i knew how to follow tracks? how to observe the movements of the forest with holmesian intellect? that would also be good.
3. sustainable gardening skills. cuz really, i mean... gathering will only go so far.
4. root cellar construction. seeing as i will probably not run away to the woods where it is constantly summer (although that may happen), i will probably need to store things. i mean, i would need to store things anyway.
5. beer making. in the woods. i am sure it is possible. people did it before.
6. a lot more first aid, and maybe how to set a bone or two. and definitely how to treat various poisons, etc.
7. i'd maybe like a horse and some goats. so those skills. how great would THAT be?
8. carving and advanced shelter-building techniques.
so basically what we have here is a list of skills that many cultures have continued to value in the face of unimaginable oppression and pressure to join the modern capitalist society that has unlearned all of these skills. as a white european mutt immigrant kid, i am a part of that culture. now i want those skills which my forebears violently unlearned with the help of slavery, industrial capitalism and colonialism. and i want to learn these skills and run away and live in woods on a continent that has been all i've ever known but is not, by rights, mine to run around on.
so i have a very complicated relationship with these desires. mostly, they are about not wanting to take any more. but any sense of entitlement i might have to learning these skills and using them to survive is kind of a taking of things. so it is about how i learn them and how i use them, and thinking about what it means to "opt out" as it were, and how it is that some people can't or won't be able to. i just don't want to be another entitled white body learning to homestead and live in the wilderness, you know what i mean? but i have to take responsibility for the fact that my white body will always be taking up space. i need to think about HOW that body functions in space, what it is taking, and from whom. me living in the city and moping and being completely stuck by anxiety and gender trouble is not me acting as an ally any more than learning these skills and taking to the countryside is. and in fact, the latter, as a way of opting out of capitalism and exploitative markets and governance systems, might be better allegiance and a better way for me to live my own politic. but again, i struggle with retreatism, because i know that outside, the world keeps spinning oppressively, and by stepping away from all of it, am i not just shutting my delicate eyes to the real problems of power and privilege?
i feel like this debate has gone on in my head for as many years as the "should i take t or not" debate, and for many of the same reasons. countryside retreat or city struggle? testosterone-induced male passing privilege or transbutch daily battle? stay in the city and SEE the pain, read the news, fight the fight. stay in this body and deal with misogyny, not being taken seriously, having my pronouns fucked up. but those could be phrased differently as well. countryside struggle too, because who doesn't love the comforts of technology? i mean heck, who's to say i would make it out there? and it won't happen overnight. and i might get a touch of passing privilege, but all the paperwork would still say F in all the wrong places for a long time, and i wouldn't necessarily feel any closer to myself and i might be in more serious physical danger from angry cisguys. transguys don't have it EASIER than butches. it's just different.
the problem i always have is that of choosing "what my heart desires." it might be easier if i could honestly believe i have the right to be happy, to choose and pursue my own happiness... but you know? i dunno. every move is political. people choosing their own happiness has often led to terrible things. oppressive, earth-destroying things. i don't know if i can make decisions with just that in mind. and it is interesting because i can imagine who DOES have the right to choose things based on what would make them happy. somehow, some internal arbiter of justice is handing out cards to specific identities in my head. maybe i am the only one who does this. but whatever forms of oppression i do face, as a trans person, as a queer, as a survivor of sexual assault, as someone who is chubby a bit and has been fat-identified, as someone whose body is failing them, as a poor person, etc... none of these are enough for my internal arbiter of justice to give me a pass to choose happiness. in the face of some people, yes, i win out. like if it would make me happy to kick this big white man's douchey suv as he slurs oppressive language in my direction, then yes, i choose happiness. if petty theft from major chain stores means i get to have bread with my butter, then yes, i choose happiness. but then these big questions... i dunno. i just don't know.
i know i would be happier working the earth every day. growing food and sweating or freezing depending on the season. i know there are certain things about the city that i would miss pretty desperately. but i can travel to the city and i can travel to the country and get a taste for what that's like. i can't do that with t.
and so again, another rant concludes with my white transproblems. HA! anyway
just thinking aloud.
No comments:
Post a Comment