While toddling around these various sites, I found a little bit of assurance. I'm not the kind to post pictures of myself in clothes that make me feel good, but I do wear clothes every day that make me feel good. I'm not uncertain whether I'm a girl or a boy. I'm positive that I'm neither. Not in the sense of the genders the world sees, not in my perception of myself, not in the way that I am sexual or in my sexual attractions. I am neither and that's really just ok by me.
It's not ok with the world. And that's where the discomfort comes in. Because out there I'm either a Miss or a Mister. A "Lady" or a "Hey Man". Frankly, it's fine, I'll deal. Eventually the world'll get over the binary, or we'll nuke our species off the planet first. Whatever. But in my case, my gender identity is something the world has to adjust to, not my body. That is not to say that things don't come up sometimes. I think, in my case, it's often that schism that makes me see my body in a bad light. It's that schism that reminds me; as much as I'm neither a girl nor a boy, I am also a failed girl and a failed boy. I meet neither standard effectively. Interestly, a standard of androgyny or genderqueer neutrality is being developed on many of these tumblr sites. There is room for contention and expansion of these identities, as well as affirmation that one can "WIN" at being neither, being a they or a ze or whatever. There are still a lot of issues in that space that don't get addressed, of course. Often, the generic "whatever" site becomes a predominantly white normative space, with additional tumblrs being created that specify "poc" status or identity. This could act to empower these communities, because of course that part of one's identity is very important in identity formation, but I would like to see whiteness made more visible... or conversely less dominantly visible? Know what I mean? Either call it what it is or create a way for the "unracialized" spaces to become more inclusive of intersecting identities and more responsible to the privilege of claiming first dibs, as it were. As well, in both the androgynous and genderqueer sites, there is still a lot of focus on being BOTH sides of the gender spectrum, instead of imagining a middle ground, a blank. Not that I can really contest the latter. My gender presentation is often mostly just butch with a side of paperboy. So I must refrain from positing that images people present of themselves are claiming one thing or another. That's for the individuals to describe. But often they do and overwhelmingly the statements are "sometimes i'm a, sometimes i'm b." That's a GREAT identity, and it's amazing that there is space for that. But what about "always i'm ab" or "i'm never either" you know? I'd love to see some more open discussion and presentation of that identity... I mean... realistically, because it makes me feel less lonely in this endless battle to be understood for who I am. The other thing is of course the idea of aesthetics in all of these fields. There is definitely space given to diverse body types, but overwhelmingly the rewards go to those who are thin(ish), fit (in masculine contexts: buff), symmetrical and fair of face and able-bodied. And that has to do with a lot of things, from the willingness of people to post pictures of themselves (self consciousness bred by society) and the willingness of others to complicate their notions of beauty and really adore variety and difference. The more we can use these communities to say... basically... that you can win at being you (which is what all these social networking sites are about, am i right?), being exactly who you are, and look at all of these ideas about what that can mean and who else might have similar ideas, the better.
Wow, horrible sentence. Anyway, rant rant. Suffice to say, tumblr's been rewarding, could be more so, but so far, good times. That's all. I'll add links to the sites I'm talking about later. Right now I'm fuckin... hungry as a horse.
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