EMAIL 1
At some point recently, we were talking on the phone, and you told me you were quite impressed by the way I was walking the walk.
I don't know whether you realize the walk I'm walking, and the distance I've already traveled.
I believe we make decisions every day that say yes to some things and no to others. I believe with every purchase, acquiescence, compromise and navigation, we lead ourselves and anyone watching us, mimicking us, respecting us, down a different path. This belief can be paralyzing and overwhelming at times, but I think it's important to think about our relationship to the world this way. I think it's been too many generations of people behaving without these truths in mind. Even if my choice to live with these issues in mind does NOTHING to change the world, I will not stand to be another selfish, indulgent, short-sighted beast the way that many of us are. I will not stand to compromise the way that I live in balance with the world in order to be more comfortable myself. We all deserve to be uncomfortable. Discomfort is the symptom we're all hiding with painkillers and popular media.
I don't believe in the current economic system. I don't believe in artificial currency built up by governing bodies historically linked with corporations whose goal it has always been to see some succeed and others fail. I understand the way in which we have all become dependent on this fictional economy, and so I understand that there are ways in which I must compromise. But I do so in as few ways as possible. I don't believe in any bureaucratic element of the government we have now. I don't believe in nations, borders or any defense thereof. I understand that, while there are problems with the government we have, we rely on it as well. And there are things that the government does that are right and good. Embedded within it, however, are racist, sexist and colonial ideologies that cannot be disbanded until the structure itself is rewritten. I believe that the chaos that would be necessary in such an upheaval is another part of the discomfort we are all meant to feel. We live in a country whose comfort is built upon the subjugation and enslavement of other countries and peoples. The idea of a nation is inherently oppressive, exclusive and hierarchical. It needs to be undone. I also believe, strongly, that in a lot of ways, it's already too late. Our cities may soon be flooded, we all may get cholera, the rich will move to higher ground, and the filtration of winners and losers will become even more extreme, violent and oppressive. But I will not move to higher ground. I will stay uncomfortable.
We may never understand each other.
But that's my manifesto. I understand there may also be contradictions between what i think and how i act, but i try to keep those to a minimum. And yes, I still have to pay rent and buy some of the groceries i need to be healthy. And yes, I sometimes buy beer when I should buy vegetables, but I do buy it from local breweries with good politics, which is more than most vegetables shipped from the u.s. can say.
Right.
Rant over.
Don't call me just to argue your point. But we'll talk again soon.
EMAIL 2
Upon reflection, this sounds rather out of character. I'm not usually as combative as this previous rampage. I just got in a fight with a good friend because they posted a piece of writing by this anarcho-punk vegan who was joking about eating rich people in a sort of ... modest proposal style. it was funny, but not as reasonable and rational as the modest proposal. its language took on a mocking, holier-than-thou tone and seemed to dismiss some people as unsalvageable and others as righteous. so i got in this big angry fight about effective advocacy and not alienating people for making different choices, you know? Anyway, what I wrote above was exactly what I try not to do with these politics of mine. I'm not really that certain in my beliefs to think that this is some kind of truth. I just choose to live my life a certain way. I have an ethic. And I never really talk about it with people unless they do or say something to attack the choices I make. It has only been through these various conflicts that I've come to a place where I know a bit about where I stand. Those moments of instant frustration or revulsion with a concept. For example, my journey through political science and political studies making me into an anti-nationalist. My journeys through feminist history have led me to transgender warriors and anarcho-feminists like Emma Goldman. Brief dabblings in economics and the way the market has developed has taught me so much about local economic trading and living outside the economy, leading me to revolutionary poverty activists. Friends who are english majors, or poets, or musicians, have taught me about how poetry changes when it's performed, and how "music really can save your immortal soul." (oh shameful lyrical reference) I once wrote a whole paper in song titles, and I've traded quinoa recipes over campfire. I have, throughout my education, been taught to unthink and rethink, undo and redo, much of the way other people live.
- prepare for the end of pavement -
So I guess what I really meant to say was not a list of combative values, but the fact that I'm living in a way that I believe in. And that's how I make my decisions. And I may not be happy all the time, but I learn ALL the time, and I always feel ready for what needs to happen next. I'm honing skills for survival, not in the apocalyptic worldview I painted for you above, but in a legitimate, logical approach to the world around us.
And I wanted to say, as well, that Peterborough has offered these things to me. It is in this town and from this town that I have traveled. This is my training ground, my jungle gym. I need this now for whatever comes next. And I don't know what that is. But I like that feeling. The monkey bars are always the best if you can close your eyes and just reach for where you think the next bar might be. Honestly, you're the kind to have had a five, a ten, a twenty year plan. But only when the plan broke down and changed did i start to see you happy. And maybe that's my perspective of it, and maybe I'm being presumptuous... But I think these are important points to consider if you're gonna start noting my "gut of poverty" and making comments about my hair. Honestly, what I think about when I'm getting dressed, considering the well-being of my physique, cutting my hair or eating lunch is whether there are people out there who will be attracted to me and want to date me. All you need is love. And in this department. Well. I'm having a grand old time. I am who I am here. I don't need to wax my upper lip or wear matching clothes. I don't need to be a boy or a girl. I can giggle and gossip and then wrestle in the snow, fight off spiders with bare hands and then little-spoon til dawn. Do you have ANY IDEA what kind of freedom that is? How astounding it is to come across community with such boundless acceptance? It makes me wanna be just the kind of strong-sensitive-cowboy-of-a-lovesick-fighting-poet that I am to the best of my damned abilities. I can write songs here one week, poetry the next, and then organize a rally, train some dogs, build a root cellar, dumpster dive, start a rock band, hold an art show, host a crepe party, sell marijuana, shovel driveways, collect bottles, whittle wood, organize workshops, petition for funding, get the hiring done, sort out budgets, rescue kittens, learn to weld, trade magic cards, play super mario, hand out condoms, split packs of cigarettes, reroll roaches, share spaghetti squash, watch the sea otters, feed the horses, distract the police, liaison with the police, run from the police, write to the police, wait in the hospital waiting room, play "hassle-the-homophobe" and hockey, while learning cribbage all through the next month. There is nothing I can't do. No business I can't approach to fundraise, no artist I can't spoken to over cappuccino or cigarillos, no visiting musician I can't hang out with until dawn. Fucking Vizenor gave a speech on campus about redefining a postcolonial identity. One of the world leading theorists in post-colonial theory. My friends are in a class called ShakesQueer, where they meet at the only with a prof and two others, ordering piles of crappy coffee and the cowgirl breakfast and talking about the queer subtexts in Shakespeare. Amazing. And have you seen any films by Ackerman? I pop into a cultural studies 300 course now and again to watch films that relate to lacanian theories around psychosexual development. You know, the mirror stage and all that. Built on Freud's theories of the stages of human development. But contradicting them in very important ways. The point is, my life here is the most vibrant, full, rewarding thing I've ever experienced. I am in love with this city. We are in love. That's all there is to it. So whatever you may say about my politics or my life choices, you have to recognize that I am not leaving this town until the air has gone stale and I get itchy feet again.
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