Thursday

It's February.

By far the worst month in the gaddamn universe.
Dark days, my friends. Dark days.

I'm gonna go ahead and tell myself that the following problems are simply a product of Seasonal Affective Disorder.
  1. I am SO SICK of being dirt poor. Sure, it was fun for awhile. And politicizing in a way that is very important. But gee willikers I hate owing friends money and being late on the rent and missing out on coffee dates and feeling like I will NEVER have enough extra money for a tattoo or a new dildo. It's been almost a year and a half of scrounging now, and frankly, it's symptomatic of an economic system that does not value me as an individual.
  2. I can't stop smoking. I want to, but I can't. I break down and bum smokes obsessively due to item 1. I also can't stop binge-eating in the evenings. Which is hard when you're living off dumpster grub.
  3. My front tooth either has a cavity or is falling out due to my encroaching wisdom teeth. I haven't been to a dentist in four years. I haven't been to a doctor in one year now. I have no asthma medication and I'm running out of toothpaste. I stole a new toothbrush a month ago, but they're risky. Even in grocery stores, they watch the personal care aisles like hawks.
  4. I feel fat. I am fat a bit. Not too bad, but enough that I feel heavy and like I can't run and jump and climb trees. This is due to item 2b, but also because I don't feel much like moving anyway.
  5. I haven't left the same ten block radius for months. Initially, I felt positively about this, seeing it as a sign that this community is tight-knit and offers a person all they need, really. Now. Now I wanna get the hell out of this town, even just for a damn weekend. Fuck.
  6. My dog is still enough of a handful that it adds stress to my life.
  7. I've lost my orgasm. Going on three weeks now. I've also lost my libido. This ain't just dysfunction. This is a gaddamn identity crisis. Being a big perv is part of WHO I AM.
  8. I've done stupid, shortsighted things with my hair, thereby ensuring I won't be able to get legitimate employ for months.
  9. I've always been a bit dysphoric, gender-wise.... but lately it's becoming pressingly uncomfortable. I don't think it's a phase. I think I might just not be a girl. But it's hard to separate these things from my experiences of trauma. Ugh.
  10. Everyone around me is coupling frantically. IT'S NOT SPRING YET, PEOPLE! STOP JUMPING THE GUN!
So. There. Good. I mean. There's more to each of these points but... lists make me feel happy about things. Especially lists that feel complete after ten items exactly.

If anyone has:
  • lots of spare money
  • an extra penis/binder
  • a car
  • alcohol, cigarettes and/or marijuana
  • a dog just like Max that's calm and really good off-leash
  • a source of employment
that'd be great. Let me know. In exchange, I can offer you:
  • self-deprecating humour
  • marmite toast
  • someone to fetch things for you when you're sitting under a cat
  • mediocre love poems
  • lots of good discussions about politics, queerness and gender
It's February, after all. We have to stick together.

No comments: