So yeah, so i've been kinda down lately, and overwhelmed by the emotions of others. E and L, two friends of mine who've been together for 4 years, just broke up, and they're both big messes, both talking to me about it. C, another friend of mine, is in between depression medications, and while she's almost humorous and self-deprecating about her depression, her energy is the most negative thing ever. She's mopey and sad and can't focus on her schoolwork at all. And yet she's the best, sweetest soul ever and deserves happiness and comfort. And it makes me sad I can't fix her. Meanwhile, I'm making a bunch of new friends, and when you make new friends, there tend to be a series of questions that are pretty mainstream for most people, but harder when your mother was abusive, your father was distant, you don't know whether your doing the right thing with your degree, and you feel insignificant compared to their achievements. K, for example, edited the school's paper last year, confronted the whole political studies department, and when she was attacked by homophobic thugs outside a bar, she charged them, and then changed the whole police department's attitude towards hate crimes, and now they take anti-oppression workshops as part of their training. When I was attacked, I lied to everyone and pretended it didn't happen. In fact, most of the horrible things in my life have gone unconfronted because at the time, it was easier to pretend it hadn't happened. At the time. Now, in most cases, it's too late. In others, I don't think it would help, but it still stresses me out. M is an amazing musician, lives in a beautiful loft, and learns a new instrument monthly. H with her sciences and her focus and her son and her self-respect. And then add to that the fact that I just feel it's somehow unfair that my ex got into a new relationship so quickly and easily with a girl who is basically a younger, smarter, more stable me. I feel like I deserve at least as much happiness as she has, but I don't have it. And though I'm surrounded by single women, they are either into me and I'm not into them, or they're into other, less available people, or they're not single at all. It's just a hundred levels of suck.
And the only people that live in this city that I can talk to are my ex and E. E is clearly in her own misery, so when I'm with her, I am to be supportive and positive for her own well-being. So I texted my ex, who has become a friend, and whom I have supported through numerous things, last night, just saying "dude, I wanna talk, gimme a ring." she texts me back saying "i have to do my readings, we'll talk on saturday." which is when we were meant to take the bus together to the burra to get picked up by U to go to limestone city for the night to party with S and U for S's birthday. initially, we were going to stay at U and S's place because it was just going to be me and C staying over. because my ex wanted to go, i asked my dad, who isn't even going to be in town, if we could stay at his house, so there would be room for everyone. i made sure she could come. so it was tuesday when she said she'd talk to me on saturday. like she's not going to have any spare moment between then and saturday? but the reality is, she's not going to have a moment when her new girl isn't with her between now and saturday. and with her there, she's not lonely for human interaction, so she needs me for nothing. and she's hooked on the feeling, like she was with me, and pretty much ignores everyone to spend every moment with her new girl. so i called her this morning, even more sad and lonely, and told her i really needed to talk. she called me a burden. i said all i was asking for was a friend, that i just wanted someone to talk to. she said she "can't do this" and so i got angry, said she was being self absorbed. she said i was the only friend she had who was so draining. i said i was the only friend she had that had gone through what i'd gone through, and she said "oh you're gonna pull that card." and hung up on me. then she sent me a facebook message saying "for the time being i'm taking you off facebook because right now it's the best thing i can do for me, and in turn, you." what the hell?
it's all about what's easiest for her.
so that adds to my misery. because it's not fair. i'm a good person. i work hard for my friends, i support them when they need me, even if my life is distracting or it doesn't directly serve me. i'm honest and kind, i would say. it's bullshit that she gets a happy loving relationship, and everywhere i look i'm getting turned down and rejected.
AND i don't know WHAT to do about school. i feel low energy and angry and hopeless about grad school applications. what if i don't get it? how embarrassing would that be? gah!
and american idol is fucking stupid.
and and...
and i haven't had sex in like two and a half months.
and...
blaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.
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